Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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