Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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