i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
