I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
