I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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