Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Duck Duck Cougar?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
