I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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