Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
