my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
