Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
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