We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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