You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
