i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
