Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
