My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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