sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
