thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
