Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
