I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
