Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
