It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
