just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
