i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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