Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
