2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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