sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
