I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
