Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
