I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
