OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
