Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
