Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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