mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize