Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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