I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
