Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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