my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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