Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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