alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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