On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm at about main and main street
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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