I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I came so hard my ears popped.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
