I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
