why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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