it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize