she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Randomize
