Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
