What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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