vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
