you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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