Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
