even my farts smell like vagina
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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