found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
