we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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