Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize