I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
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