The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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