Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
