i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
