It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm both gender and math confused
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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