New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
