was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
