i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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