I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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