He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
