you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Randomize
