Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Randomize
