I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
