Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just found a bag of teeth...
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
