does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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