You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
