Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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