while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
